|UK Release Date||Somepoint in 1984|
|Runtime||92 mins (dependent on cut)|
|Reviewed||10th May 2015|
Whether you believe that Plato used the defeat of Atlantis by the Athenians in Timaeus as an allegorical tale to prove Athens as the embodiment of an ideal state, or that Atlantis’ destruction is a damning indictment of the hubris of nations one thing is certain, Plato could never have dreamt up the sheer fucking lunacy of The Atlantis Interceptors. Only Italian exploitation cinema could.
We’re 10 years in the future, the year of our lord 1994. Miami looks exactly the same as it does in Miami Vice and Scarface but slightly less shiny and polished. Vietnam Vets, Mike and Washington (the most over enthusiastic man to ever live!), the egg and chips versions of Crockett and Tubbs are on a mission for a faceless Colonel hidden behind a newspaper. Mike is Hannibal Smith cool and Washington wants to be called Mohammed after converting to Islam. In a running gag that runs out about a quarter of the way in Mike deliberately ignores Washington’s, sorry Mohammed’s wishes.Mike and Washington have got the karate chops and the one-shot grappling hook, just enough to kidnap an old dude from an awful Greek/Art Deco mansion combination. God only knows what drugs this guy was selling to land a pad like that but you’ve got to admire the attempt at the mythical subtext. Mike uses chloroform and a totally unnecessary method of exiting their target from his house before he and Washington are $50,000 dollars richer and on a boat with their buddy Manuel.
So far so A-Team but out in the ocean a Russian nuclear sub lies on the sea bed ready to be raised by Professor Peter Saunders and his crack team of scientists on board an oil rig. Was James Cameron with them? Some how they’ve found a bunch of Aztec looking artefacts on the ocean floor and need an expert in pre-Colombian dialects. Step in the beautiful Dr. Rollins but before she can show she’s more than just a pretty face the seas swell as the sub rises and some unrealistic models get smashed to pieces.
Inexplicably we cut from the Leviathan to the suburban and a consumer couple gets a dart in the neck and an axe to the face. These post-apocalyptic Atlantean murderers look like they’ve stopped via Cuba to borrow some 1950s cars, then swung by to pick up Melle Mel and The Furious Five and armed them with an arsenal cobbled together from every other movie you could ever think of. Mad Max bows and arrows? Check. What about that flamethrower from The Exterminator? Got it. You know what I really fancy? I could do with that bad mutherfucking gun from Scarface. Got you covered.
Characters come and go without any explanation and night turns to day in the blink of an eye and back again as continuity in the words of Duran Duran has, “gone out the window, cross the rooftops, run away.” The Professor and Dr. Rollins get saved from the water by Mike and his crew and Manuel goes nuts for no apparent reason trying to get his mitts on the good Dr. “We’ll kill all of you to get to her!” he screams but then wants to leave Mike alone when they make land fall on a ravaged San Pedro Island.
The Atlanteans want to be known as The Interceptors but led by The Crystal Skull they couldn’t intercept their way out of a paper bag. Mike and Washington aided by their random pal and handy helicopter pilot Bill Cook, and some street punk who may have a name, blow most of them away with the luckiest find of firearms since the Iran-Contra affair. Some well-placed decapitations and a never-ending supply of Molotov cocktails pretty much wipe out the pinnacle of ancient civilization before they even get going.
Toss in a laser eyed Sphinx, the Tablet of Knowledge and an unconvincing razor sharp fan and The Atlantis Interceptors is anything but dull. If it could be called good is up for debate but the sight of Dr. Rollins all spaced up in a costume form Blake’s 7 in a cut price Fortress of Solitude will just have to make you put your hands up and surrender. At one point horrified by the slaughter Dr. Rollins says,” It’s terrible Mike. It’s like living something unreal.” Mike turns to her, deadly serious, “Unfortunately it’s all very true.”
What do you have to say to that Plato?