|UK Release Date||28th July 2017|
|Starring||Too much wasted talent|
|Reviewed||I'm trying to forget|
You may or not have children; therefore you may or may not know that it is currently the English school holidays. I am painfully aware of this as I have two darling children whom I must now entertain, feed and keep alive for every minute of every day (except for the 2.5 minutes they sleep). What better way to keep your seven year old entertained and have a nice sit down yourself than the joy of cinema. Last week we tried Spiderman: Homecoming and it was a great success. This week that minuscule run of good luck came screeching to a halt with the The Emoji Movie. A film that feels like it was conceived, written and acted in one weekend as part of a frat house movie competition. My seven year old likes it but he also watches YouTube videos of Kinder Eggs being opened, so….
The ‘plot’ of The Emoji Movie is that within Alex, the teenage boy’s phone is an EMOJJI WORLD. All of those emojis you know, love and hate are there hanging out. There’s a VIP section for the currently most used emojis and the not used ones (like granny and aubergine – although I use those two a lot!) are relegated to the basement. We missed the start of the movie so I confess I don’t quite know how it happens but Gene, the Meh Emoji is about to join the crew and on his big moment when Alex selects Meh, Gene MALFUNCTIONS. This makes Alex doubt his whole phone and think about having it wiped so head honcho Emoji (hilariously the smiley face haahhahahahha. No.) decides he must be exterminated by scary robots. Gene befriends High Five and the two of them leave Emoji land to go find a hacker called Firewall in the phone world and get Gene rewired as proper Meh. Will they make it to the firewall and beyond??? Turns out the much more pertinent question is - WHO CARES?
You’d have thought, give a room full of Hollywood writers the whole Emoji spectrum and they’d come up with at least one joke, right? Well. No. Everything is clunky and dull. In a packed cinema full of kids I didn’t hear one belly laugh. Not even for the Poo Emoji jokes. I mean come on guys if you can’t get kids to laugh at scatological imagery then I suggest you hang up your proverbial writing hats. The main message to kids seems that you can be an Emoji with lots of expressions. WHAT??? Other clunky messages include ‘one real friend is better than fake ones’. The moment this movie went from simply annoying to being number one of my hit list however is when it tried to shoehorn in some pat feminism. The main hacker turns out to be a girl (whoa! Hey Stupid Fucking Writers, making the two male characters SO surprised that the hacker is female kinda negates the fact that she’s female). At one point Gene mansplains her plan and she says ‘men are always saying things before women' or something equally so heavy handed and awful that it just falls flat. Secondly the Hacker is the Princess Emoji in disguise although she reverts to being the princess to help them all instead of being smart and using her superbrain. SHOOT ME NOW. Hey Stupid Fucking Writers, want to know how you could’ve made this film ACTUALLY feminist? You could’ve made one of the two Emoji main characters a GIRL. Or the teenager whose phone it is. Or anyone else interesting except the psycho Smily Face. Please, just shoot me again. Repeatedly. In the head.
This film wastes a whole load of voice talent, Maya Rudolph, Anna Faris – Patrick Stewart for fucks sake! Only James Corden has the good grace to sound embarrassed, he literally is phoning it in. I can’t be bothered to write another word about it or anyone else involved in it. Stellan the Seven year old said he thought it was good and he liked High Five.
Fuck you Emoji Movie. Fuck you.